Coming of age
By Ryan Souza
BEEP, BEEP, BEEP, BEEP!! As I hear the
sound of my alarm going off at 6:30a.m that was the sign that I knew it was
game day. As I stretched out of my bed just wishing I could sleep in I do a
quick prayer that said “dear lord just lets us have a good day today and let me
do my best amen”. Just with a quick splash of water in my face I am awake. This
story is the time that I realized that I just needed one more person to watch
my game and that was my great grandma.
As the league announcer pronounces welcome
to the Aiea little leagues all start tournament. At that moment I knew that it
was time to play some baseball. “Ryan Souza your up to bat” when I heard my
name I glared into the fans and could not spot out my great grandma, not even
my mom was there so at that moment I knew something was up. So I the moment I
go into the plate I do my best to focus but my mind is saying “where is ever
one”. Strike one, strike two, strike three I am out.
On July 10 was my grandmas birthday and she
had the biggest and priceless smile on her face. My grandma means so much to me
by teaching me so much about life and how to cook one dish she taught cook was
her papaya soup from dicing the papaya, to making the both and then serving it
to the family. To me my grandma was my idol she taught me how to show respect
to other people and just to live life the way you want to live it and no one
else can change you.
“Here we go Aiea here we go” it was the
bottom of the sixth inning with us up 2 runs against Honolulu. We were on the
field with two out, then all of a sudden a straight line shot was hit to me and
I caught it for the third out. So as I ran in I finally seen my mom and for
some reason she was sprinting down the hill and called my name “Ryan Ryan” so
as I ran to her she said “baaban (great grandma) passed away and all of a
sudden my heart just drop and I was tearing so much I had to leave my game. As
we rushed to the house I could just see cars parked anywhere. So as I walked up
the stairs I couldn’t look or even wave I rushed pass the room my grandma was
in and went it to the other room and just laid there just saying god how come
it had to happen now lord and I just cried and cried.
This had made me become such stronger person
because I knew it was time for her and she had left me with a lot of good
experience from here. I knew that it was time for her to pass and as she can
live a happy life up there instead of her suffering down here. She knew that it
was time for her to go because she couldn’t teach me more than what she already
had. Even though I really miss her she can still make me a good person even
though she not here. I learned that I can move on with the lessons she has gave
me and I will always love her.
The end
Hi Ryan,
ReplyDeleteI really liked your beginning because it made me feel that i was going into the game with you. But what i dont get out of your beginning was the main point you talk about your getting ready and your prayer i dont understand where you are coming from. I think your best part was your conclusion because it really exemplified how much you learned and loved your great grandmother.
Ryan, please read through your essay more than once. There is a lot of repetitive words and word use error, reading it aloud and more than once will let you hear the where the errors are. And as Branden stated you have good description of you waking up but not sure it matches your story of your great grandma. Also, there is a lot of tense shifts, you use present and past tense words in one sentence making it confusing. Again take your time reading through your essay outloud or two a friend and you will eventually see the many flaws and errors in the essay.
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