College Essay
The Oregon state
university is the college that I would be joyed to attend not only for the good
athletics but for great academics because Oregon is the school that can push me
to my limits to come out of the successful. The college of Oregon is a great
way that I can start my culinary career and also have a chance to play baseball
for the ducks. This can help me to improve on my different skills that can help
me become my future job, also I can maybe enhance my skills in baseball and maybe
have a chance to play professional baseball. I would also like to mention that
the community service that I have attended was the winter craft fair in 2011 by
setting up for all of the venders and lead them to their booths, also going to
the fishing convention to help clean and set up for all of the venders and help them with the products. This
college is one more step to take until I can call myself and adult because by
being able to attend Oregon would be a pleasure because I can express my ideas
about how I think it’s right to cook and how other people can teach me the
correct ways so I can fix my mistakes a d learn what things I need to cover to
reach for my goal. From me coming from a hard time by seeing my parents fighting
and divorcing each other I learned that there more than just fighting and
getting married you have to achieve what you want to do then get married. I came
from a family who would always be there for you no matter what. this college is
like my future to dream of stepping on to that campus and just saying wow I made
it also I would say to myself wow I reached my goal in life now there is one
more step I got to study hard and get good grades. My high school years I learned
that there’s more to life than having fun and fooling around I have to pay
attention and do my work by that it can make me more closer to my goal and make
me a more better person because I use to always slack off and goof around now
in college I got to understand that I have to give my time and dedication to
work hard and be successful. In conclusion I think that I can reach this goal
but only if I have the mind, heart, power, and soul and to put in my dedication
and my time to complete my achievement.
Souza....
ReplyDeleteYour essay has some very good points, but on the other hand I suggest you re-read your essay and catch some minor mistakes here and there. Please use different vocabulary words. Either than the word "goof", you could put fool around, or have an over flexible schedule. But I really enjoyed reading your reasons of why you would like to apply to the University of Oregon. Good Luck! :)
Hey! Overall, your essay was okay. You should really re-read or have someone proof read your essay because you've got a lot of minor mistakes. You should add a little more details to it as well. But overall, I like the concept of your essay! Just a little fixing and its good!
ReplyDeleteGood first attempt, souza. First, you should really state what the topic for the application was before you wrote it, because readers can get confused as to what you were trying to say. And again, like Lina and brooke say, you can fix a lot of grammatical errors and word choice. Also, you can put a lot more personalization and voice into your essay, and that'll make it a lot stronger. good job though.
ReplyDeleteYou have many different ideas all going at the same time which makes it a really confusing essay. You need to go back to the college prompt and decided what you clearly want to write about. You go from talking about how you want to cook and play baseball at oregon to community service you did then back to why you want to go to oregon. It is very unorganized and disconnected in thoughts. Also your rough draft is one big paragraph?? Your essay doesn't tell us anything special about. Again you talking about 5 or 6 different things, but none of them are fully explained, choose one or two at the most then fully write about the chosen topic. And listen to your group members, you have to take your time and read over your work, there are high amounts of grammatical, spelling, and word use error that makes it almost impossible to understand.
ReplyDelete